And I’m back…

Greetings!

I have emerged from a long cocoon-like hiatus via my final semester of university classes with this butterfly of a posting. Since we last talked, I officially am authorized by the state of Wisconsin to be a journalist and mass communicator, so with summer on the horizon, I felt it was my duty to renew my dedication to this blog’s banter.

My other new distinction is that of college-educated waiter, allowing for more free time to post to this page. A lot of things have gone down in the past few months since I last published content, so rest assured that: a) I have a lot on my mind, and b) I warned you. If you’re not ready for honest, satirical, dark and zany commentary on the world around us, I’d probably skip past this page. If you’re ready, however, let’s party.

During my time away, I couldn’t help but notice that there are a lot of people out there somehow finding this page. March 2008 brought nearly 800 readers here, despite new content, and the months that have followed have shown similar growth. Though it is slightly depressing to realize that more people read this blog when I don’t write anything new on it, I will simply ignore the fact and chalk it up to the google bots of the interwebs simply getting better at indexing noteworthy quips on current events. Or maybe it was all just coincidence.

At any rate, I thought that I would share the top ten search engine terms that y’all have used to find me in the past three months. Rest assured that this blog will remain dedicated to these terms and issues, as the readers have clearly spoken. (See, the web does support democratic ideals!) Here is what America wants to see:

1. Dolly Parton
2. Heidi Klum

3. Feist: The Reminder

4. Jessica Ellen Stasinowsky

5. Valerie Parashumti

6. Heidi Klum + Victoria’s Secret

7. Lawrence King

8. Miss Puerto Rico

9. Couples kissing

10. Victoria’s Secret models

On that note:

Dolly Parton can read — and pursue lawsuits with boogeymen like Howard Stern, too!

Mama Klum shopping for produce with baby Seals — I wonder how she feels about the Lifetime takeover of ProRun?

Leslie Feist’s recent performance on the Colbert Report

And I couldn’t help but include this photo, from the crowning moment of my life to this point:

Yes, that is me standing with Nick Verreos, of ProRun fame, circa mid-April. Rumor has it that Uncle Nick may be coming back for a future all-stars edition of the show (shame to OK! Magazine for claiming that Santino Rice won PR S2.. how could anyone forget fabo Chloe Dao’s victory?)… Anyhoo, contact me privately for any goss that may or may not have been discussed.

So, stay tuned for more washed-up musician/actresses, long-legged supermodels, indie musicians featured in Apple ads, raging lesbians, cases for queer activism, beauty queens, reality TV stars and much, much more. Happy summer!

Let’s give thanks

Thanksgiving has always been a strange holiday to me. The entire concept of the holiday seems to be centered on the overeating of not-really-that-tasty-in-the-first-place bird, and that’s about it. Sure, sure, it’s a nice time to relax with family and catch up with friends while taking a few days away from the daily grind, but why turkeys? Why cranberry sauce? But above all, why the hell was Dolly Parton pulled out from under her bridge to perform for Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?

Won’t somebody please think of the millions of children watching this parade and waiting innocently for a giant Shrek balloon to come bouncing across their television screen? I mean, I loved ‘9 to 5′ just as much as any budding ‘mo back in the day but… Gurl looked terrifying. And where her Chia pets always so.. well-watered?

I arrived in Lake Geneva from Madison on Wednesday evening, and after checking in with the folks, met a dude from Myspace for coffee, followed by a movie — ‘Hitman.’ The film was fairly pedestrian all around and probably not worth the $8, though I enjoyed the Mila Jovovich-esque slutty Russian character. Driving home that night, snow flurries steadily fell and it was quite a beautiful night in combination with the nearly full moon.

The next day was family time, and I spent much of it feigning interest in football. I think that will always be something that I just don’t “get.” As for the dude, we met again on Friday and made out in his mother’s basement for a few hours while listening to Christmas music on the radio. Oh, the joys of feeling seventeen all over again. The highlight of the evening had to have been when said bachelor informed me that his mother wasn’t all that comfortable with her son dating men, so “if [I] could say as little as possible when meeting her, that would be great.” Because, ya know, my voice emits a low frequency of gay waves that only mothers and some breeds of dog can detect. As it turned out, I chatted Mama up quite a bit before leaving.. Joe 1, Socially constructed homophobia 0.

Fast forward to Saturday evening and I was back in Madison, drinking pinot grigio out of single-serve, Hi-C-esque boxes with a klan of my favorite lesbians before hitting up Genna’s and Shamrock. The adult juicebox, at last.. thank you, Target. It was a perfect way to bring the weekend to a close.